CMON Announces Social Distancing Expansions

For the past year, the world has developed a bunch of new social protocols that have become engrained into our everyday lives. Wearing masks. Staying six feet apart. Sanitizing as much as possible. And now, one company wants to bring these cultural norms to the board game table.

Later this month, CMON will be introducing new additions to some of their classic games that include many of our new habits. “We want to put the expansion into social expansion,” said CMON’s Creative Director Chad Skipps in a Zoom press conference last Saturday, drawing confused looks from the media. He later clarified that this was wordplay on the word ‘expansion’ and social distancing. The reporters said that they got it, but that it just wasn’t very funny.

After an awkward pause, Skipps continued. “We know that the past 12 months have been rough, and we thought that the best way to move on was to keep thinking about it. So we’ve added in some of your favorite things from the pandemic throughout some of our most popular titles.”

For those who love the Zombicide universe, you’ll have the chance to mask up your characters as they go out and fight the undead. A pack of 25 incredibly small but pliable masks will be made available so that you can choose your favorite. Some will even feature patterns that sport graphic designs from other CMON games.

“Honestly, it’s a long time coming,” commented Skipps. “I mean, wouldn’t it make more sense to wear a mask when you’re fighting zombies? There’s probably gross stuff flying everywhere. You don’t want to get that in your mouth. Disgusting.”

Meanwhile, Marvel United will feature a new social distancing rules set. The bad and good guys will now have to be several spaces away from each other before they can attack.

“It’s going to be very helpful for characters like Iron Man and Captain Marvel,” chuckled Skipps. “But the Hulk? Well, let’s just say that the only thing he’ll be smashing is… well… I mean, something that would be good to smash if you were in a quarantine situation and… like, you needed to not smash people… and then…”

It was at this point that Skipps lost video and audio connection. He reconnected about three minutes later, claiming that there were some technical difficulties. Most in the Zoom room didn’t believe him.

Finally, Foodies has gone takeout! The 2019 title will ditch the food court theme and go with a curbside approach. The expansion will feature takeout containers that can be used to store the pieces inside the game box. In addition, the entire expansion comes in a cheap plastic bag.

“We’ve really gone all out on this expansion,” said Skipps. “And by that, I mean we went all out of cardboard, so we couldn’t really make anymore boxes. So we just all brought in grocery bags from our houses and said that it would be more thematic anyway. Wait, I probably shouldn’t have told you all of that.”

While there is some excitement in the board game community about the new releases, many are concerned that this is a cheap cash grab that takes advantage of a difficult time for many people. When pressed for comment, Skipps waved his hands around and acted like he couldn’t hear anyone, though he had responded to a question only seconds before.

Other media members joined in the push to get Skipps on the question. It was at this point that the CMON presser ended abruptly, and an email was sent out moments later, stating that more information would be released later. Also, it was noted that Skipps had been fired, and that no one had remembered hiring him in the first place.

Stay tuned for more news.